When in doubt...

One of the most profound experiences of my Christian journey came in the form of chastisement and the tender age of about 14. I remember every detail with great clarity; as if it happened to me yesterday. I was reading a book that was absolutely fascinating. I was riveted. However, the main character kept cursing God. I'm not talking about just cussing with the Lord's name it it (as if that wasn't bad enough). He was out and out cursing God as a liar, sadist and all sorts of other horrible things. I felt very strongly I was being told to put this book down. It was not for me. But I couldn't. The plot had me transfixed. Over and over I was told to put it down and I refused. Finally, I experienced what I can only assume was the Lord "giving me over" as the bible talks about it Romans and letting me fully experience the consequences of my chosen sin. Suddenly I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. In the passage of the book I was reading the charaecter was talking about how we all die and wither in the ground as worms eat us. (I know... I know...how was I ever riveted by this I don't know but I was) Anyway, I really believe, for a moment, the Lord removed His protection from my mind and I was allowed to fully experience that despair and what it would feel like to truly believe there is nothing. Everything is meaningless. Take what you can out of life because in the end you're just worm food. It was terrible. I cannot fully describe it to this day. I immediately grabbed my Bible and began reading every passage I could find where Christ promised that He is the Resurrection and the Light and He that believe in me shall never die. I read it over and over and over until my fears were silenced, my spirit quieted, and my hope restored.
These days I find myself in a similar conundrum. This time it is not because of any act of disobedience but just because I cannot get my head to be still. My time in Texas for some reason has me bombarded with DOUBT. Every question I dared never utter has come rearing its ugly head and chipping away at my faith, which until now has been ROCK SOLID. I told my mom the other day if something doesn't go a particular way that I think it should, I'm going to be so angry with God. (And even as I type that confession my mind reels with exactly the same question; Just who do I think I am?) But I immediately followed that statement with this one. "All I know these days is that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. And I can never question His love for me because Christ's death on the cross has forever demonstrated that to me." And now more than ever, I find myself clinging to those two simple truths. And as I did at 14, I find when I permeate myself with them, my fears are silenced, my spirit is quieted and my hope is restored. For me, gone are the days of cookie cutter answerers to life's tough questions. They bring no comfort. I am in a place of clinging only to TRUTH that cannot be reduced any further. God is good and He is love and because of that I can trust Him. Mark 9:24 has become so sweet to me: "Lord I believe, please help my unbelief."
I must confess that as I write this blog I'm arguing with myself on whether or not to actually post it. It is so immensely personal. But I cannot help but think that in these times of great uncertainty I am probably not the only one struggling. So I post this for my friends and family who I know are struggling through great difficulties of their own. I admonish you my brothers and sisters to hang in there and voice your doubts to our Father. He is more than able to handle them!

Signature Style for 2009

I couldn't help but be a little introspective this morning with it being the first day of a brand new year. I didn't make any resolutions this year. There are still so many from 2008 that I'm still working on! However, as I was doing my quiet time this morning I was struck by this question; what am I going to wear???? And for once, it had nothing to do with the sophisticated with just a twist of rock and roll chic, signature style I am so trying to cultivate.

Revelation 19:7-8,16: Let us rejoice and shout for joy exulting and triumphant! Let us celebrate and ascribe to Him glory and honor, for the marriage of the Lamb at last has come, and His bride has prepared herself. She has been permitted to dress in fine, radiant linen, dazzling and white- for the fine linen represents the righteousness (the upright, just and godly living, deeds, and conduct, and right standing with God) of the saints (God's holy people) And on HIS garment and on His thigh He has a name inscribed KING OF KIGS AND LORD OF LORDS!!!

It hit me anew this morning...The Lord has clothed me in garmets of salvation and robes of rightousness, dazzling white, so that I can be presented blameless and spotless before the one who's robe simply says KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

This year, I want those robes to show. I want them to dazzle the world around me. Because the fact that a sinner such as me, will one day stand before the KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS (I'm sorry I just can't help but type that in all caps...it thrills me to the core) blameless, spotless, pure and white; that is something worth celebrating. It's something worth sharing!!

My prayer for this year is that I would clothe myself daily in the fine linen of godly living, deeds and conduct that acuratly represent my right standing with God. That is what I pray will become my signature style for this new year!